i miss you.

the 3 words to summarize the missing.

must i elaborate it to make it metaphorical
to enhance my love for you?
my missing for you?

i miss you.

how hard can that be?
to call you? to clear the longing for you?
to hear your voice?
to have your presence?

the power of connectivity.
the power of my longing.
just hearing your voice.
your breath.

i miss you.

words i long to say.
that would save my sorrows.

i miss you.

truly and deeply.

el.

-chinyew

the darkness is strong.

it comes in the form of seduction.

the power of woman.

i do not dare to challenge it.

am glad i've survived.

am glad the light is echoing inside me.

i'm thankful for Thee.

away you go, satan!

away you go the evil one!

i will not fall to your side again.

NEVER!

am peace with myself.

the light will illuminate forever.

will not tempt evil.

will run from evil!

she is so strange.

the strangest i met.

maybe it's the age.

maybe it's my age.

i dunno.

it doesn't feel right.

even for me to write this about her.

weird.

she's making me feel weird.

this cannot be healthy.

pulling the plug.

-chinyew

sorting things out.
am ia monster?

how can this be?

i was a funny guy moments ago.

suddenly i'm changed?

how can this be?

a monster?

scary.

it's strange.

i thought after this time,
i wouldn't.
but i have.

is this going to make me
more cautious next time?

i sure hope so.

i do enjoy being a fool
when it comes to these things.

i've learned a trick or two.

come to think of it, it's pretty easy.

thank you, God.

-chinyew

no calls. no reaching out.
it's been too long.
i think, we have fallen out.

i fear for us.
she will be gone later.
it feels so fast.
and gone too soon.

better for it to end.
now.

but the missing is strong.

and holding on is still.

still.

the calling has stopped.

on both sides.

in a sudden.

in the same channel.

in the same.

but are the purpose same?

mine's is the conflict.

wondering of hers.

she has gone tired of me.

like most of them do.

it's a fact,

and not self-pity.

they always do.

i do too.

we all do.

it's just fact.

and truth.

letting go.

still.

still.

still.

Mmmmm....

Flipping through old pictures.
You got to admit it, we do look better
compared to you and him.

I dunno, either I'm starting to really wake up.
Or I just see you differently now.

For you, you are probably still you.
For me, the you I knew died.
For you, probably I'm already dead too.

Or maybe, there wasn't even a You ever before.
All was just part of a game and scheme?

Bah, yr just too young to even realized all this.
Why even bother?

Clouds are clearing.

Good weather today.

Hope tomorrow will be the same.

God doesn't want me to stop drawing.
I left my inks and brushes back in KL,
not expecting to do art any time soon.
Now I'm asked to work on storyboards,
and wishing I've took my tools with me.

You used to love my art. Looking at
drawings I did of us, I'm thinking;
what went wrong? After awhile, I just
got tired of asking and looking at them,
I decided to just leave them behind.

In an awkwardness, that makes me feel
reluctant to pick up my brush again.
I recall the feelings and hopes I had
of all the paintings and drawings I made of us.

I feel stupid. Fooled.

I feel sick working on another drawing.

Wish I can warned him about you.
How you repeat yr strategy.
And how lightly you treat love and relationships.
And sex.

-chinyew